Coming to 60 years of age very soon, I do feel I live two lives, the one in person and another one inside of me.

What I do is not synchronised with what I feel.  But, it is what I do that dominates my life.  Since very early in life I always felt an apprehension.  I used to pray a lot, think a lot and also observe a lot.  I am surprised with myself for having wrote a story in my teens that resonates with me now.  I wrote that I was dying but was not afraid as it was time for me to go meet my loved one.  I have always been attached to the meaning of forgiveness which now is so important as I thread forward in my new life that I am living, enabling me to overcome hatred and anger.  

An important feeling was when I gave birth to my eldest.  I always felt something tragic is going to happen to him.  In fact I always felt so protective towards him as I always felt that anything could happen to him.  As much as I kept close to him, tragedy struck him from the age of 6 years of age and my eyes were blinded until his end as the truth came out after when I was reading his life story which he had wrote.  I was blinded by what appeared to me that I trusted the most so I overlooked what was hurting my son.  It is amazing that I felt we were so close but he had successfully never even given us a sign what changed his life forever.

Due to this he was always a perturbed person capable of taking more risks since the value of his life was so low, as much was his self confidence.  On the other hand, due to my feelings I was also anxious, more so when his problems grew with him.  I tried frantically to save him in every way but this resulted in complete defeat.  

Ironically, even though I live in continual pain, I feel that at last he met his peace.  Even as I walked in his room in absence of life, the room felt so peaceful at last.  What everyone sees is absence, what I feel is the life of our love that expands and never ebbs away.